Oy Vey, Yoga

I'm sipping a hot green tea as I write this...

It's been over three weeks since I quit smoking. The first week or so was miserable, but I made it and each day now gets a little bit easier. (And thank you all for the support, it is very much appreciated...the support of one person in particular has been amazing...) I no longer have the shakes, no longer dream of sleeping inside a giant box of Marlboro Lights, no longer appear to have the cocaine jitters like Ray Liotta at the end of Goodfellas, watching the helicopter watching him...stir the sauce, Mikey...

But is this the most significant lifestyle change I'll make (aside from quitting my job...), or just a harbinger of more changes to come? When I unemployed myself, I had several goals I wanted to accomplish (you're thinking "get a job" would be the number one goal, but then again, you're reading this stupid blog so how much thinking are you really doing?)

Anyway, near the top of the list of activities for this period of vocational absentia was "Work Out." Once upon a time, I was in excellent shape, went to the gym 4-5 times per week, the whole nine yards. But as the years went by and I was working a long succession of 65 to 90 hour weeks, finding time to stay in shape was very difficult. I'd get into periods of relative stability where I could work out and would do so diligently for a few months at a time, and then fall off the workout wagon again. Eating a somewhat healthy diet and then eating only sporadically, combined with Herculean doses of daily caffeine and a steady stream of cigarettes kept me relatively thin, albeit soft.

Several years ago, after relinquishing the gym membership, I did purchase a Total Gym for my house. Figured if I had the equipment right there in Chez Gins I'd be more inclined to use it. (The Total Gym is that apparatus Christie Brinkley and Chuck Norris endorse in the infomercials you've all seen...the ones where Chuck breaks a deep sweat yet his hair mysteriously remains unchanged...being Chuck Norris means having the worlds' strongest toupee glue). Once I veered out of the rat race, I started working out on the Total Gym 3 times a week. Enjoyed that first-week soreness, the inability to lift my arms above my shoulders and the reawakening of my "abs." But it didn't seem like it was enough, that it would counterbalance my more sedentary lifestyle these days. So I began exploring other home-based fitness equipment. Do I buy a stair-stepper? The small portable ones all seemed to feature lithe young women on the box covers, and while I'm sure they work for both sexes I felt a bit uneasy at the thought of "shaping my buns and inner thighs!" It just didn't seem like the right program for me. Same with the elliptical machines, balance balls (I said "balls"...), steppers, etc.

I'd always wanted to try yoga. Lots of friends and some family are regular practitioners and swear by it. So I found myself at Target (let's face it, you can find me at Target about once a week...love that place) perusing the exercise aisle. Pilates equipment, mini trampolines, something called an "unbalanced beam" or some such nonsense, jump ropes, stretch cords...ah, yoga stuff. Mats, gloves, bricks ("um, what's the brick for?" I wondered) and kits. I bought a Gaiam kit with a mat, strap, brick, and Rodney Yee introductory DVD called "A.M. Yoga." Figuring that that wouldn't be enough, I also bought Rodney's "Slow Burn Yoga" DVD, as it seemed like a great workout for a beginner. There I go, thinking again...

Next morning, I unfurl the mat in my living room, pop the DVD into the laptop, and commence with AM Yoga. Feels great...15 minutes of stretching, a bit of meditation...I can do this. So I do it for a couple of days, feels good, getting into the yoga mindset...and then decide to delve into Slow Burn Yoga.

The DVD opens with Rodney Yee (yoga master, and although the whole production is achingly New Age-y, he's a warm, inviting presence. I don't even know what type of yoga this is though, Hatha, Kundalini, Bikram...in the parlance of my people, we'll go with "fachachtah yoga."). So I start following along...flying cross-legged pose...staff pose...mountain pose...and lots of downward dog. Oy Vey. My feet don't quite rest flat on the ground, as my hamstrings are too tight. Feels awkward, ass in the air (keep in mind, I'm doing this in my living room in full view of the neighbors) and then one leg raised up and turned, into a lunge...this shit is hard! I get about 45 minutes through before giving up, face down on the mat, drenched in sweat and cursing Rodney Yee like he just stole my bike. The next day, I can barely walk. I'm moving sideways, like some half-man half-crab, and all pain. My thighs are screaming, my shoulders ache...what was I thinking again?

But I kept at it, and now can power through the full workout without seriously questioning whether or not I might die in the middle of it. Sure, full-boat pose is still the worst, lying on my stomach and reaching back to pull my ankles and lift both legs and chest together like some Bush-approved CIA torture technique. Half wondering if there's a Waterboarding Pose, these cruel yoga fucks. Also wondering when the involuntary farting might stop...I mean, we've all seen the YouTube videos of the yoga instructor (female) letting one slip during a pose. It happens, constantly. The body can only handle so much at one time; if you're expecting me to hold it in while precariously balancing on one leg and two hands, head turned sideways and needing to hold that pose for 20 seconds...you really need to lower your expectations. Just another reason to work out alone at home. And stop pretending to be disgusted...everyone farts, and almost everyone laughs afterward.

Seriously though...I now look forward to yoga, to the sweat and loosening of the muscles, the discovery of muscles I didn't know I had. It does feel great, my body feels so much better than it has in years. Less aches & pains, more flexibility. Seeing results too...definition in the shoulders and arms, the legs much stronger, the overall balance better...and after the morning session, I drink a big mug of hot green tea and feel the same sense of smug self-satisfaction all those other yoga fanatics have been feeling for so long. I'm a nonsmoking floofy yoga buff...ok, maybe it is time to crank up the job search...