Fear

I read your blogs every now and then, feeling somewhat vindicated by the fact that I'm not the only one with an endless stream of questions about life and the way I have chosen to live it. Then again, maybe I read it because it shows me just how much I haven't chosen, how much I've let circumstances choose for me. Its the coward's way out, one I've managed to justify through a series of excuses that mask what truly lies behind them: Fear. Fear of making a mistake, fear of letting others down, fear of the unknown, fear of failure, and even fear of success. Its amazing to me how one emotion can carry so much weight, keeping me immobile and preventing me from doing the one thing I need to do most. I need to change my life. But the craziest thing about this is that I've spent so long doing what I'm supposed to do that I've forgotten what it is that makes me happy. That's the biggest danger in living a life to satisfy others--after a while, you can no longer differentiate everybody else's needs from your own. You become just a collage of everybody else’s expectations.

The above is excerpted from an email from an old acquaintance of mine, someone I hadn’t heard from in a long time. Didn’t know she was a reader.

This was my response:

You're hardly the only one with questions. Religion, for instance, is prevalent worldwide and claims billions of adherents seeking to find meaning, or a deeper meaning, in life. Who was it who said "the unexamined life isn't worth living?" (Socrates, btw)

Believe it or not-and reading this shot across the bow of sanity, I'll not venture a guess as to what you may actually believe-I do understand what you mean. I let fear hold me back for YEARS. Funny thing though...once you let it go, once you find the path beyond it, find how to move past it, life gets so much better. Not easier. It's not supposed to be. Just better. Understanding the roots of your fears, what drives them. It's not necessarily about conquering them, just dealing with them, not letting them rule your life, just acknowledge that they are there and then moving beyond them. Ultimately, nobody can judge you but you. You have to find that strength & confidence within yourself. Learning to use fear to your advantage, as a motivator to make sure your shit is covered and allowing you to shine...the proper manipulation of your own fears makes you fearless.

It's your own expectations you must deal with. You haven't forgotten what makes you happy. That's a cop-out. You've just denied it to yourself. You have to be fundamentally honest with yourself. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks; they aren't living your life. Fuck 'em. Acknowledge that which makes you happy and embrace it, pursue it. You have to learn to be comfortable in your own skin, to just be who you are. Accept yourself. Trust me, I know of which I speak. I've been at unimaginably low points, stood at the abyss, all of it, and somehow made it through to the other side. Life is much better over here. Again, not easier, just better. Life isn't about the situations themselves, just how you deal with them. If you have faith, if you believe in a higher power (I do), you inherently know that you will not be given more than you can handle. It is all a test.